living like a disaster

~* living like a disaster *~

¯ `*._.·_.·´¯ `*._.·_.*´¯ i spend half my time alone/i dont think i belong here/i rest my head on lifeless stone/because theres noone else here/im terrified of silence/and im terrified of sleep/i want a box of warmth and closeness/and i want it here to keep¯`*._.·_.*´¯`*._.·_.*´¯
:: living like a disaster :: bloghome :: contact

vicky/Female/21-25. Lives in United Kingdom/london, speaks English. Eye color is blue. I am what my mother calls unique. I am also lazy. My interests are sleeping/writing.
this is my blogchalk:
United Kingdom, london, English, vicky, Female, 21-25, sleeping, writing.


[::..*recommended*..::]
:: GRAAAAAAHH!!
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:: ME!
:: if ya like a lot of chocolate on your GAVIN....
:: 50 000 monkeys....
:: W3Schools
:: stay beautiful
:: smiley happy people :-)
:: what could be happier than heliums and gerbils?
:: my tiny photo page
:: she's stoned and dancing to that fine fine music
:: confessions of an arts graduate
:: age gauge
:: madonna on a mattress
:: madonnalicious

< # Blogging Brits ? >

< # Girls Blog UK ? >

scaryduck.com
this room is just stupid
what
inner poise
[::..archive..::]

:: Wednesday, March 16, 2005 ::

You scored as Inner City Borough and nothing else. You love the fact your area has been up and coming for about 10 years because it keeps the rent down. Stepping over drunks in the gutter doesn't faze you one bit. If a stranger speaks to you on the street you are SURE you have a stalker. You love city life and can't quite work out why people do not live where you do.

Inner City Borough and nothing else

100%

Absolute city central ONLY for you

65%

You've got a brand new combine harvester

40%

On the edge of the City

30%

City lover or farmer?
created with QuizFarm.com

:: 4:17 PM [+] :: (1) comments
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:: Tuesday, March 01, 2005 ::


its weird how you go on holiday with someone and for a while its like youre both in this little holiday bubble - just the two of you and the excitement of being away wrapped up in your own little world - everything that happens happans to you two alone and everything you go through you go through together. theres noone else getting in the way and for the short time youre away its like the whole world exists only for you. and then the holiday ends and you come home, come back to regular everyday life, and its amazing how quickly everything just slides back into normality again, how quickly the bubble bursts and starts to seem like it never really existed in the first place. it always happens to me, although this time it just feels a bit more poignant or something. hmmm. anyway here are some photos including mike in central park - i am still an amazing photographer, oh yes






:: 9:27 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Sunday, February 20, 2005 ::
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER:a preview of "in good company" and it wasnt really that good
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW:"microserfs" by douglas coupland
FAVORITE BOARD GAME:ny monopoly
FAVORITE MAGAZINE: i know this is really silly but american glamour, the english version is rubbish
FAVORITE SMELLS: the ones they pump into supermarkets to make you want to buy stuff
COMFORT FOOD: cheese
FAVORITE SOUNDS: right now the garden state soundtrack
WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD:feeling powerless
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING:i wish christopher wasnt so loud
FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE:red veg
FUTURE CHILD'S NAME: i have so little idea
FINISH THIS STATEMENT: "IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY, I WOULD":have a lot less to worry about
DO YOU DRIVE FAST:i dont drive at all really
DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL: not usually
STORMS -- COOL OR SCARY:a bit of both
WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR:still waiting for that one
FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK:red wine
FINISH THIS STATEMENT,'IF I HAD THE TIME, I WOULD LOVE TO': find a witty answer to this question
DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI:yes
IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE: something normal like dark brown. im a grown up now you know
GLASS HALF-EMPTY OR FULL:that changes from one second to the next
HOW MANY CITIES/TOWNS HAVE YOU LIVED IN: two
FAVORITE PLACE TO RELAX: my bed
FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH: tennis
WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED: boxes, suitcases, a load of rubbish basically
TOILET PAPER/ PAPER TOWEL--OVER OR UNDER: indeed

CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

:: 12:26 AM [+] :: (2) comments
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:: Sunday, February 06, 2005 ::
why can't i feel anything for anyone other than you?

im in a net shop in times square and its very early in the morning. me and the boy booked a last minute holiday and here we are in new york - and its possibly the most surreal experience of my life. and its also proof that you shouldnt get too caught up in the moment and think that where you are now is where you ll be forever - this time last week i was just sitting at home getting depressed, and now im in new york. and i didnt even have fifteen panic attacks on the plane over here. yesterday i walked along the brooklyn bridge and it made my whole life so much more worth living. my phone isnt working here, even though i phoned up orange specifically to make sure that it would, so if you havent heard from me its not because im dead, its because orange are stupid. and if you could pass that message on to my mother that would be really helpful ;o)



:: 2:03 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Monday, January 24, 2005 ::
You thought that you were the bomb? yeah well so did i....

i have GOT to write a poem now - ive kind of realised something about whats happened to life at the moment - or over the past six months or so, and its really difficult to express what it is - but i want to be able to say - how things have unfolded and stuff and just all those little things when love turns to hate, when things finish and start, when the sky gets a bit darker or you change your password on the computer. you stop talking about the old things, get a new obsession, a more bitter, cynical one - less trusting, less hopeful, you dye your hair a different colour or you realise maybe some of your lifelong ideas and thoughts and opinions could actually be wrong. you feel small and people belittle you - make you realise things. you thought that you could be happy and strong and take on the world, you thought you were a queen - then someone comes along and points out youre just a silly little girl who really doesnt know anything. it really hurts to feel strong then meet someone stronger and feel like you never had any real strength in the first place. everything changing, its all getting a bit darker.
everything i can think of to describe this seems to be a tori amos lyric - either "spark" or "cornflake girl" - its annoying me, i want to say it my way. but what does it matter anyway? its not important - its only me and my little world - the little world i lived within for so long and i thought it was so strong and oculd never fall apart and it was real, important, the only world like it, we could be kings in that little world that is so, so crucial - and now it just looks like nothing, it couldnt stand at all - and there was nothing special about it, everyone else has a little world too - and they can be so good at proving their world to be better, more worthwhile than yours - make you feel stupid and childish. "you thought that you were the bomb..." everythings just got that little bit darker recently, a little bit more bitter and cynical. its like sunset or something - but i can see the signs - theyre all there - its getting dark. i wish someone would write this poem for me - it just wont organise itself enough. i really really cant stand nostaligia. it makes me feel physically ill - it really does, and i dont understand why but i have to try and avoid it, try not to listen to the music or smell the smells that make me nostalgic - shut the door on it, dont let it in - cant deal with it. i can talk about it, around it, but actual nostalgia, being within it, i really cant handle. thats one of the things i hate about christmas and new year - too much nostalgia and cosiness. i want to live in the present - the past is a foreign country that im more scared of than the future. theres things back there i just dont dare look at - even the good or indifferent things scare me - i cant explain why - but theres huge chunks of history i must avoid. i can acknowledge their existence, but i cant allow the return of the old feelings, i cant lament anything - thats all it is. i have to avoid bumping into old emotion. current emotion i can deal with to an extent - but i like to be able to control it, to keep it safely behind locked doors. i think in some odd way i might be a control freak because i always have to be able to control my emotion, to capture and contain it, release it only as i see fit, not let it take me over. i will not be subject to my emotions. i relase them only by choice. i have a certain faulty for picking my own feelings - i can suppress what i dont want to feel. sometimes it catches up with me - and i do have to release it at some point, but at least im capable of waiting until an appropriate moment. i am not a slave.



:: 10:17 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Sunday, December 19, 2004 ::
my life this weekend has been made so much better by the existence of jimmy eat world



:: 4:03 PM [+] :: (1) comments
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:: Thursday, December 16, 2004 ::
the raining always starts when you go away

get me updating twice in that same week. i dont actually have anything to say though. im in the lrc again. its full of dilligent students doing work, and me listening to old tapes on my walkman and wasting time online. this place kind of depresses me for some reason. someone needs to get me this book for christmas. ive been visiting it in borders (where its much more expensive) every week, gently stroking the pages and wishing i was in new york myself. some things just never change do they?

up up up and down turn turn turnaround round round roundabout and over again...



:: 4:52 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Tuesday, December 14, 2004 ::
don't it feel like sunshine after all?

my computer is broken again so im spending the day camped out in the LRC, as if im a first year all over again and i live around the corner in halls. except now it stays open til midnight, when it used to close at like six o clock and i would barely have time to check my email before it closed. sometimes im very nostalgic for no good reason. i was trying to explain to that boy how there is some statistic about how diary writers remmber so much more of their life than non diary writers and though i beleive it (i remember holly in year ten explaining it to mr hembry and him being overly impressed) im not altogether convinced it really means much since i only seem to remember stupid things that arent actually useful at all.
im writing my CV all over again since i need to apply for jobs and the only CV i have is on my broken computer ("eeeverybody's secretly rushing home at night and BACKING UP!" - again) and using MS word's template that has some guy called Max Benson saying things like "Suggested new products that increased earnings by 23%" and "Increased regional sales from $25 million to $350 million" which amuses slightly since my CV will not be even remotely like that.
my wife moved house and didnt even tell me. how unwifely is that?




:: 6:35 PM [+] :: (1) comments
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:: Wednesday, December 01, 2004 ::


a dollar under water keeps on dreaming for me....

a while ago my friend holly sent me an email saying "i just had to tell you that i had a look at your blog a minute ago and tried the dictionary name thing link and it told me that the definition of holly barratt is 'one who is addicted to bubble wrap'"which amused me slightly.
oh yeah thats me and christopher the other day when we went on a very long walk trying to find chips. i look a mess because im not wearing make up and havent even brushed my hair but still i quite like them. so there we are. (actually christopher ordered me to take the one of him off, so its just me looking a mess and not him too, even though he puts horrific photos of me on his blog aall the time) i know my computer is going to crash any minute now because i have the charger in and thats just what happens with the charger so i keep rushing to save this draft after every other sentence. ive been trying to write an essay this week as well and im so paranoid of losing everything im saving it after practically every other word.
anyway. the gatwick job finished, they didnt keep anyone on, but apparently they might ask us back at xmas - im really hoping they will because i enjoyed that job SO much, and being a student just isnt as much fun. in fact its incredibly boring and i know nobody on my course now except monty the old man, and i dont have much to say to him. but at least i get to concentrate in lectures instead of just bitching about everybody i hate with sophie like i always used to...
ive also been seeing this boy for the past few weeks - doing innocent little date type things like wandering round museums and going to the cinema. its fun and i hope it continues :o)



:: 1:20 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Sunday, October 24, 2004 ::
i'm in love with the ordinary

you know, i just wrote a really long entry, (well ok, long for me) went to publish it, and the screen went crazy and now i've lost everything ive written. its especially poignant because in the now lost entry i spent quite a long time discussing how i get so mad with my computer i want to throw it down the stairs. this is one of those moments.
SO ANYWAY. i think i said something about how ive been working and sleeping and listening to jimmy eat world <3 and thinking about various boys with hs in their names and getting drunk in celebration of christopher's 21st and not too much else. i think i also explained that i havent written in so long because ive been busy doing aforementioned things, as well as having tried several times to post and losing what ive written because my computer is so normal and never crashes for absolutely no reason. its only right i suppose that it should happen just one more time....
so yeah. im not dead, despite thinking at various points this week that by rights i really ought to be by now. i went through a manic phase of filling every available second of my life with overtime - because it amused me to become tom hanks in the terminal, because i need the money and because i do just genuinely enjoy my job. its fixed term though and is supposed to be ending in a weeks time - noone has any idea if theyre keeping us all (or any of us) on, but im starting to feel like if they dont i will need to take my own life because i cant imagine enjoying a job as much as this one. but anyway, the overtime phase had to end because apparently noone goes on holiday at this time of year. i dont know why because i would give all my worldly possessions for a holiday right now, but there we go....




:: 10:30 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Thursday, October 21, 2004 ::




You Are a Little Scary

A Little Scary!

You've got a nice edge to you. Use it.




:: 1:24 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Thursday, September 16, 2004 ::
A very "special" dictionary. by lily22
Look up:
Definition:Lacking orderliness or cleanliness; chaotic; prone to explosions.
Quiz created with MemeGen!


thats actually fairly accurate as well...
:: 3:16 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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The \\
Last Cigarette:that time christopher gave me a marlborough and i thought i was going to die
Last Alcoholic Drink:last night me and sophie had red wine and it was nice
Last Car Ride:about six thousand years ago
Last Kiss:about six thousand years ago
Last Good Cry:two days ago.
Last Library Book:i still have two books from the uni library and i got them in march...
Last book bought:i got tons of books bought for me for my birthday
Last Book Read:shopaholic ties the knot - it was soo funny
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:the terminal i think
Last Movie Rented:the one where macaulay culkin plays a homo
Last Cuss Word Uttered:homo
Last Beverage Drank:lemon tea
Last Food Consumed:a mini birthday cake my mum sent me and now i feel sick
Last Crush:err....
Last Phone Call:christopher this morning
Last TV Show Watched:nip tuck
Last Time Showered:this morning
Last Shoes Worn:the brown sparkly ones
Last CD Played:adam ant because chris likes the boring ones
Last Item Bought:a train ticket to work i think
Last Download:the only thing i remember about that was that it ruined my computer
Last Annoyance:running out of lemon tea and christopher turning the radio down for no reason
Last Disappointment:getting no post today
Last Soda Drank:diet coke
Last Thing Written:diet coke
Last Key Used:err my door key
Last Words Spoken:something about how chris will get bored of not having a tv in manchester
Last Sleep:last night? thats a bit of a stupid question really
Last Ice Cream Eaten:cant remember
Last Chair Sat In:this one....
Last Webpage Visited:my own blog....im so self obsessed....

CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

:: 3:07 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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both my shoulders are heavy from the weight of us both...

here i go again not knowing what to say because the only thing i want to say is depressing and sad and i just cant say things like that to anyone else. it used to be that if i was sad the whole world had to know about it and i would scream and cry and cut myself and do all these drama queen ish things but these days i keep it all to myself and as much as i want to let it out i cant and i dont know why. which annoys me because im always so concerned by what i dont have i completely miss what i do have. i feel a bit like im desperately searching for something and i dont even know what the hell it is....



:: 2:05 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Monday, September 13, 2004 ::
this room is just stupid

i have no idea why i havent posted more recently. i just havent. i think i could be the worlds most forgetful blogger or something. or maybe i just havent had anything to say, which is probably more likely. i go to work and come home and read books and drink lemon tea and occasionally watch queer eye for the straight guy and think about how i need thom filicia to come and make over my room, but thats really about it as far as my life goes right now. im kind of bored and lonely and living in my head a lot because its better than life in the real world, and i am slightly obsessed with the new green day single despite not being fifteen or wearing a hoody and baggy jeans which just tops it off nicely really...




:: 3:52 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Tuesday, August 24, 2004 ::
CWINDOWSDesktopFightclub.jpg
Fight Club!


What movie Do you Belong in?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: 7:13 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Monday, August 16, 2004 ::
i ain't nothin' but tired....

in order to start my 6am shift this morning, i had to get up at 3am. get up. sometimes i just laugh at the way things work out. how all my working life ive tried to get jobs which start later and later and still the starts get earlier and earlier - tomorrow i start at 5am. whenever im not at work im passed out in a coma somewhere, and every day when i get home i plan to go directly to bed and not even bother having a life that isnt work, but somehow things always get in the way. ive actually started real work (as opposed to the theoretical bubble of training) which is kind of exciting but still kind of scary too - i forget which order to do it all in and end up forgetting to check peoples passports and forget to ask them if they packed their bags themselves, and by the time ive remembered to ask them ive probably already checked the bags in so even if they were packed by terrorists, it would be too late for me to do much about it. then whichever person is supervising you wants you to do it their way, and half the trick is remembering which way this person wants it done, instead of just doing it your own way.

croydon is not a nice place. try never to go there if you can help it.




:: 6:40 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Monday, August 02, 2004 ::
i started my job today and had to get up really early and take a train at rush hour like a real person with a real life with my coffee and copy of this mornings metro. i learnt all about the differences between charter and scheduled flights, and that if you fly Air France you can take your cat on board with you as hand luggage. when i have a uniform it will be heinous and will involve a SCRUNCHIE and NAVY SHOES THAT MUST HAVE HEELS. how crazy.
my wife once had her haircut by dan on big brother. she told him she tried to iron her hair with an iron when she was little, and he said that it was perfectly ok to do that even now. apparently his thin strip of hair was different back then, but it was still a thin strip.









:: 9:00 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Friday, July 30, 2004 ::
apparently its national orgasm week this week...how many have YOU had?!

ive had three :-D




:: 9:09 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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sky above me like a full recovery

and finally i have a job! "passenger services assistant" at gatwick airport, which for a geeky person like me is pretty exciting. i start training on monday and have the weekend to learn this information book they sent me full of random things like airport codes and the phoenetic alphabet, so i suppose i should have a look at it really...







:: 1:22 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Thursday, July 22, 2004 ::
And God Created Brixton

I walked from my baby’s Brixton flat
Into a riot
I thought of maybe turning back
Till things were quiet
When all the buildings to be burned
Had been burnedAnd all the cars to overturn
Were overturned

Outside the prison they were screen testing the free
Open auditions for closed circuit T.V.
Your baby brother would be there outside the jail
Throwing bottles as the police sirens wailed
And a love song might not be suitableBut you look beautiful tonight
Death and disaster only make me love you more
The morning after the night that went before
When the brains of Brixton with conflicting points of views
Are outside The Ritzy on the local TV news

A love song might not be suitable
But you look beautiful tonight
And if you feel the same way as I feel
Everything will be alright

I was thinking,
Let’s forget about the car
And do some late night drinking
In a late night drinking bar
It isn’t far, well it’s my local anywayI know the barman
And there’s a small vocal P.A.

Now the insurance man has left you with the news
That your third party fire and theft would be no use
And I know a love song isn’t suitable or right
But you look beautiful, beautiful tonight
And if you feel the same was as I feel
Everything will be alright

Tonight, Big Brother is watching you
And I am watching too I will watch over you
Like a thunderbolt out of the blue
Something told me it was true
God created me and you
And God created Brixton too
Hallelujah!Praise the Lord!
Tonight you can rest assured
The Father, Son, The Holy Ghost and I
Will love you more than most Tonight




:: 7:32 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Thursday, July 08, 2004 ::
I made a Quiz! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

:: 10:24 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Monday, July 05, 2004 ::
stupid people do stupid things, smart people out smart each other...

im feeling quite frustrated today at the way people all feel the constant need to impress and out smart each other all the time. at the way i may think something and hold a certain opinion and truly beleive myself to be justified in it, but its only waiting for someone else to come along who truly beleives that they are justified in their completely different opinion, and it becomes an argument. an arguments are so stupid because theres never any end to them, they all get to a certain point where everybody is too insulted to back down and make any space for someone else's point of view. its like a constant competition, a fight to make space for your own voice, everybody thinking that if they make their point wittier or more cutting than the last, everyone will accept it and that will be the end of the matter. but it never is. its just a constant escalating conflict.
yes, i am talking about the london blog, which i did originally think was a kind of cool idea. but somehow it descended into arguments and bitchiness and i dont know how it happened. all i wanted to do was moan about having no money (as usual). i didnt want to make perfectly written and edited posts, i wasnt using it as a platform to kick start my career into magazine journalism, i just wanted to have my say about my city, and not trample on anyone else's. but there are other people out there who apparently sit at their computers all day long thinking about how they can turn their boring days at work into witty and amusing little stories to entertain and impress everyone else. and its not even that i disagree with their style - you know, its fine if the really have the time, energy and inclination to do that. but i dont, and suddenly i feel like i OUGHT to just because they do, and it annoys me. i really hate arguments. sorry but i dont have any witty amusing way of saying i hate arguments, so there is the plain and simple fact. no twists or jokes to make it more interesting to the reader. just whats right in my head as i sit here typing.
and i think, even if it isnt perfect prose littered with amusing little anecdotes and alliteration, at least its genuine. doesnt that count for anything anymore?




:: 2:57 PM [+] :: (0) comments
... :: Wednesday, June 30, 2004 ::


today chris and i went on a random walk around london. thats us in the mirror of a bus. we discovered a park that reminded me of a park in ottawa me and the canadian saw a play in once, and we drank starbucks which for some odd reason made me feel drunk. the thames looked dirty. i also wore some really nice shoes look. theyre a tiny bit too big though and whenever i ran across a road i was certain i would leave one behind.




:: 9:58 PM [+] :: (0) comments
... :: Tuesday, June 29, 2004 ::
there is a london blog. it is here and sometimes i write on it. so you should probably have a look at it really.



:: 9:04 PM [+] :: (0) comments
... :: Thursday, June 24, 2004 ::


here are some photos from my infamous break up trip tp canada. they include many of the CN tower and views from the top of it, views from the canadian's apartment, me looking wind swept and jaundiced at niagra falls, the canadian himself right in the middle of an argument (why was i with someone who wore granddad vests under their shirt you ask? yeah i wonder this myself...) some crazy memorial to a man who died in a very odd way, and some neon. how fabulous!




:: 7:16 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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living like a disaster's bits are best described as her "floppy chasm".

What's yours? Enter your name:
Privates Eye

:: 6:20 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Wednesday, June 23, 2004 ::


How to make a living like a disaster
Ingredients:

1 part mercy

1 part humour

1 part ego
Method:
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Serve with a slice of curiosity and a pinch of salt. Yum!


Username:


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

:: 8:32 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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this is all true. i feel the need to get a job working at an airport. doing anything. for some reason i feel this would be the perfect antidote to my being bored and needing a job yet not being altogether convinced i really want one. airports are really odd places. theyre so busy and expectant; everyone so wrapped up in their travels, knowing in a few hours time theyre going to be a world away somewhere. its like you can smell the anticipation and excitement in the air.




:: 6:23 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Wednesday, June 09, 2004 ::



take the virgin-whore dichotomy quiz.


:: 8:09 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Saturday, June 05, 2004 ::
i am poorer than poor at the moment so if anyone's in the market for some plus size goth clothes then please buy my stuff!!!



:: 10:46 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 ::
and all those other bastards were only practice...


god i love trash tv! i know its no longer cool to like big brother but at the moment im really loving it! apart from the EXCEPTIONALLY ugly man they have presenting the eforum programme....
so anyway, life has changed and moved on. ive been spending all my time with adam <3 - im not sure if the relief i feel is just for being with him or the fact that he is so different to the canadian as well. hes like a breath of fresh air. either way im happier now. it feels like i finally have the closeness i never had with the canadian and shamefully enough didnt realise i shouldve had to justify wasting so much time and energy on him. and im loving that i can wear platforms and heels because im not with a short guy anymore! maybe i shouldve listened to everyone in the first place. it really does feel though like it was all just practice for what is happening now...




:: 10:03 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Tuesday, May 18, 2004 ::
What mixed stereotype are you? by Trapezzoid
Name
You area homosexual.
You look likea gorilla with big pink lips.
You like tocontrol the world's banks
while youeat fried chicken and watermelon.
Fun fact:Littering makes you weep.
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

:: 4:47 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Friday, May 07, 2004 ::
and this little masochist is ready to confess...

a year ago today i met the canadian. a WEEK ago we broke up - and you know when you break up with someone and they wait FIVE WHOLE SECONDS to go out with someone else and you just kind of realise why they were with you in the first place...


TROPHY THORN

i believed your vestal promises you god damn liar
got a bad mouth from you. blisters on my tongue
from the things you made me say
how i denied myself for you. washed the flame
red dye out of my hair and i swore i would
never betray you. i came round to a future
with you - sending me up the aisle without
a step to follow. you wanted me loving you
needing you, jealous as hell. wanted me to
annoy you, to be treated like a man
"look who i am with my little trophy thorn"
but i can't shout, or nag, or complain - be a
woman. and i couldn't care less if you screw her instead
but i believed every word that you said
i never knew you just wanted me
to want you and i believed you you god damn
fucking liar. like a virgin to the devil she
masturbates, so that when she grows up she'll know for sure how to hate.




:: 10:18 PM [+] ::
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:: Friday, April 16, 2004 ::
but the simple word of love itself already died and went away....
i am slightly drunk and listening to the manics really loudly and taking an online fear of flying course. as you do on a friday nite. "know your enemy" gets really crap towards the end.



:: 11:06 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Thursday, April 15, 2004 ::
i remember when i was on my way back from canada at xmas, i had a small panic attack on the plane - like i usually seem to do these days - and found myself weeping to an air steward at the back of the cabin. its so much scarier travelling alone. anyway, he was making small talk with me trying to distract me from my anxiety, and he asked if i had far to travel once we landed. i told him no, only a tube ride to brixton. to reassure me he told me that i was fifty times safer freaking out on that plane than i was walking down brixton high street. fair comment really, but all i could think was how i would do anything to be walking down brixton high street at that moment.



:: 10:10 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Wednesday, April 14, 2004 ::




Your Guy Doesn't Even Know Any Metrosexuals!


Your boyfriend is more hetero than John Wayne. End of story.

While it may be hard to get him to go dancing or shopping...

You know that he can always stand up for and take care of you.

Which is waaaay more attractive than a few well placed highlights.




Is He a Metrosexual? Take This Quiz :-)






:: 10:48 PM [+] :: (0) comments
...
she's convinced she could hold back a glacier

well i have unpacked...although that shouldnt really be too much of a surprise since its been about a year since i last updated.... i dont know why i forgot to write here, i never do. it just doesnt occur to me. the canadian was here at the weekend. he didnt like my flat and we argued a lot. im still going to canada next week to see him but who knows what will happen. im planning to explore toronto on my own and not let his opinions get the better of me. i feel like i should write more or post a few photos but im just far too lazy :-/



:: 9:56 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Monday, March 08, 2004 ::
i never met a pearl quite like you who could shimmer and rot at the same time through...

hmm well, i have £30 to last me until the end of april, and when i buy a new bus pass tomorrow that will be £20. i have council tax, water, gas, electricity and tv licence bills toppling £60, and no home phone line. i have a boyfriend on the other side of the world who makes me feel shit about myself. but i have a new flat, a sea of unpacked boxes, and a fridge full of bagels and dairylea dunkers, and i have that new flat to myself until friday when christopher Ofiicially Moves In. i guess its not all bad.






:: 5:25 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Sunday, February 29, 2004 ::
01. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. - Lezzie Mo Mo, because you are a lesbian.
02. How long have you known me? Too long - I don't know like... 7 years or something.
03. When and how did we first meet? Through Kerrang! contacts.
04. What was your first impression? She is not a Goth!
05. Do you still think that way about me now? Sometimes, when did you go out of your Goth phase?
06. What do you think my weakness is? I don't think you really have a weakness - you are too sensitive.... is that a weakness?
07. Do you think I'll get married? Yes.
08. What makes me happy? You know what I want to say here!!!!!!
09. What makes me sad? Bears
10. What reminds you of me? Everything, since we spend our whole lives together
11. If you could give me anything what would it be? Head
12. How well do you know me? V.well
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? No, although sometimes when wearing a henious outfit I have to think of a nice way to explain it
14. Do you think I could kill someone? No!
15. Describe me in one word. NORMAL
16. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger, weaker, or staying the same? Stronger
17. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen? If you weren't busy obsessing about something.... no thats a joke, you normally do listen
18. Are you going to put this on your live journal and see what I say about you? I am now....




:: 9:17 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Saturday, February 21, 2004 ::



You Are Most Like Carrie!


You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date.

But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal?

It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky.

Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a
great closet of clothes, no matter what!



Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year...

Totally different from any guy you've dated.




Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You Most Like?
Take This Quiz Right Now!





cos i didnt know that already....



:: 12:50 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Wednesday, February 18, 2004 ::


i took this from the bus the other nite. thats the London Eye lit up in red, and graffitti on the bus window in yellow. it really amused me that the bald guys head happened to be in the middle of the eye...



:: 10:10 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Sunday, February 15, 2004 ::
you took a poisoned arrow and you aimed it at my heart
it's heavy and it's bitter and it's tearing me apart

well i am quite bored. we are still waiting to hear about the flat. its driving me a little insane - each time i am, say, waiting for a bus, i say to myself that if the right bus comes along, it will all be ok, if it isnt the bus i want, then it wont. every time something could go either way i ascribe a greater outcome to it. i dont even have to consciously think about it anymore. they are these subconscious decisions that just appear in my thoughts in the split seconds it takes for any tiny little thing that has more than one possible outcome to happen. i used to do it when i worked at Bladon House. if the gate was open each morning then everything would be ok but if it was closed it would mean my day would be so terrible i may as well turn back round and go home there and then. it is quite clearly an insane thing to do but it's ALWAYS right. always.



:: 9:23 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Sunday, February 08, 2004 ::
she reaches for her car keys on the
bathroom shelf.
she's driving to glasgow.
she's hanging herself.


i write a lot in here! my life has been so boring this past few weeks. it still is boring but today i have to phone my landlord and give him my months notice because on friday christopher and i put down a deposit on a GORGEOUS flat in brixton. this is the estate agents photo of the living room, thankfully we dont get the leather seats of hideous art. i thought i liked living in this house with strange people i didnt know but somewhere along the way that stopped happening and i found myself just sitting in my room and creeping about the house when noone else was around. christopher and i used to talk about living together when we were goth teenagers. it feels bizarre that its actually happening but to be honest i just cant fucking wait any longer!




:: 10:15 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Friday, January 16, 2004 ::
my computer died and the hard drive was replaced. all my photos and files and songs and everything were lost and i felt a lot like carrie in sex and the city when it happened to her "everybody's secretly going home at night and backing up!". also the place that hosted all the photos for this blog decided it was tired of hosting them, and now this page is covered in those really annoying empty boxes with little red crosses in the corners. and i cant remember my log in details so i cant get the photos back and hosted elsewhere. so the little red crosses will just have to stay im afraid :-(



:: 2:57 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Wednesday, November 26, 2003 ::




:: 2:46 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Tuesday, November 18, 2003 ::
i've a butterfly stomach for you...

i know i just came back from italy, and i know i am a student with no money, and i know i love a canadian but hate flying more than anything else in the world ever, but in just under 3 weeks im going to canada again! and you know, i wish the people around me could be happy that despite all the things that ought to constrain me, they arent doing. that maybe im in control of myself and my decisions and doing this will make me happy, not doing it wont. personally i just think its funny it'll only be a month since we last saw each other, not cause for complaint. whats also funny is that even though my friends seem to disapprove, my dad is actually happy about it, and hes never happy about anything i do...



:: 9:34 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Wednesday, November 12, 2003 ::
when i grew up i called him mine

blog writing has started to feel a bit like going to lectures - you know, the longer you dont go to one, the harder it becomes to start. my computer is broken again. its colder now but i have a ridiculously long scarf and flat cap that i wear when i want to feel like madonna. i went to italy last week. i considered making an entry here while i was there but clearly something happened and i didnt. i didnt think id like italy much considering it isnt new york but i did get strangely attatched to being there and didnt want to leave. i joked with the canadian that when we are old and married we have to buy a holiday home there but i wasnt altogether sure he didnt just get male and commitment phobic at the word 'married'. someone left me a lovely little comment on my last entry and it made me happy :-)




:: 9:03 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Sunday, October 19, 2003 ::
such beautiful dignity in self abuse

i have problems writing this blog at the moment. i feel under a sort of pressue to keep up a happy facade because i know other people might read it. and sometimes i dont have happy things to say, but somehow i feel this insane need to not talk about them here. i suppose im being overdramatic really because this past week ive been happy. i live in a big house in brixton and my new favourite thing to do (to the point of obsession, naturally) is ride round the city with my bus pass (hooray for me) and take photos. bridges, rivers, buildings, busses, cars, neon, signs, people, sky, day, night or sunset. i saw david blaine come out of his box tonight. although i couldnt really see him all that well over the heads of the other fifty million people there. but you know, its cold now, and that always seems like a big metaphor for life :-/



:: 11:36 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Tuesday, October 07, 2003 ::
i always hate it when people post stories from their childhood in their blog but today i couldnt help myself....

today in burton it is the "statutes". many years ago in humble burton on trent, around the 12th century, or so they taught me at school, farmers used to meet up here every year and buy and sell their cattle. eventually this became big business in farmer circles and after their market (in what is now the market place no less) they would have a party. seven hundred years or so later its a fayre. a very big fayre that swarms over the town centre on the first monday of october. everything shuts down for one day and the streets overflow with rides, wheels, dodgems and candyfloss. blaring pop music, screaming children, coconut shys, tarot readers, psychics and chips trodden into the pavement. pronounced, in common burton tones ,as the "staCHITS" ("statute" meaning "payment" in olde worle language - latin maybe), as a child growing up in burton, as soon as autumn term began in september, you would count the days til the stachits. and on the first monday of october youd beg and plead your mother to take you and buy you candy floss, play hook a duck and maybe even take you on the dodgems. you start secondary school and its uncool to be seen anywhere with your mother, so you beg and plead her to let you go with your friends (you promise youll be back for 9). she says yes as long as you dont talk to boys, which of course is the main point of going. you and your teen friends go on every ride you see (even if youre terrified of heights, because you dont want to look like a wimp) thinking youre so cool and independent now youre 13. you giggle with some boys who spray your hair with wash out dye and after some chips at mcdonalds you let one hold your hand and walk you halfway home. you can hear the music blaring across town all night and the next day at school the boys are sent home to wash the dye out of their hair. this happens every year until youre old enough (or at least look old enough) to spend the night in the pub instead. which is what you do because youre cooler now youre older and you know rides are just for kids. i dont know what happens after you get to that age, but eventually you stop going to the stachits, or even caring that its that time of year. you grow up and become nostalgic for your youth, knowing its all over now. you open a window on the first monday of october and can hear the screams of people being tipped upside down by the "terminator" or whatever theyre calling the main attraction now. you remember the time your watched your wife on that ride and how her pockets spilled empty, filling the air with fluttering bus tickets and reciepts, and, somewhere, her keys. you want your to relive your childhood so much and know you never can. suddenly you realised how much youve changed.





:: 12:33 AM [+] :: (2) comments
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:: Saturday, September 13, 2003 ::
do you believe in rock and roll?

i feel very let down by summer's promise. each year summer comes along and changes everything. life changes and you almost get used to it, but autumn always come along and takes everything away. and it always happens, every year. and you never remember. i think thats my problem at the moment - i keep expecting what happened last year to happen again this year. american pie on one long little loop.



:: 1:20 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Saturday, August 30, 2003 ::




:: 10:00 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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I AM A GOOD PERSON



:: 12:41 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Sunday, August 24, 2003 ::
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Moderate
Level 7 (Violent)Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Moderate

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test
:: 11:12 PM [+] :: (0) comments
...
i know fools rush in when the scorpian stings
against the holiest of lies that a spider can sing
she'll tear up the webs and in silver she'll cast
her head on the fire for a prayer built to last
we wake in the dark just to hide from the cold
in a silence that's never too empty to hold
i have been found with my silk threads all broken
a saviour still waiting for proof yet unspoken
dead hearts began beating in the warmth of the night
her eyes shifting colours as she moved in the light
"so lay down the payment and shake on the pact"
moneypenny for your thoughts and it's all in the past
what you are, what's inside, all that duplicity
then he says "i love you for what you could be"




:: 10:50 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Friday, August 22, 2003 ::
each night i ask the stars up above why must i be a teenager in love?
it seems other people always have much more to write in their blogs than i do. do they have more thoughts than me or do they just have more coherent thoughts than me? i have thoughts, but they last me for days, sometimes weeks, and theres no point to writing the same things over and over, in a public journal at least. ive been trying to sort out where im going to live in september on my return to london. if only i werent so scared of talking to people i would be ok. ive been trying to write an essay titled "What are David Marr’s three levels of explanation of an information-processing task? Is this a useful way of understanding the relationship between psychology and neuroscience?" - does anyone know? because i dont. and i dont really care either :-/



:: 1:22 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Wednesday, August 20, 2003 ::
if you want me i'll be sleeping in, sleeping in throughout these glory days

so i am back in england. dear old dismal england. should i be happy i met a beautiful canadian, or sad that im no longer with him? i cant decide. either way i want to sleep a lot. i guess jet lag doesnt really go on for a week, but im still so tired. at the moment i am incapable of sitting still for more than five minutes without dropping off to sleep.
anyway. i went to canada. i met a canadian. lots of them, actually, but you know what i mean. he is beautiful and intelligent and i sat at his dinner table on the second morning i was there just thinking to myself "i must spend my life with this man" and it brought tears to my eyes. i wish someone could've told me that a year ago.




:: 12:11 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Thursday, August 07, 2003 ::
i want so badly to believe that there is truth, that love is real, and i want life in every word, to the extent that it's absurd....

i am in canada. sitting at the computer that the canadian has sat at all these months talking to me. although i upheld a view on "love" and "being in love" before, it's all completely screwed now. people send me texts and ask me what ive done, have i seen any moose, have i been to niagra falls. no. ive had my arms around a canadian the whole time and thats where i want to stay.



:: 4:36 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Thursday, July 31, 2003 ::

madonna avatars are the best thing in the world. tomorrow i leave for canada. i have to spend the night alone in a gatwick airport hotel and then fly on friday. its really strange how you wait and wait for things and then all of a sudden it feels like theyre rushing off and happening without you. my dad thinks im spending two weeks in london doing some random job. how boring would that be?!



:: 12:22 AM [+] ::
...
:: Thursday, July 17, 2003 ::
in two weeks i go to canada to have sex with a canadian. LIKE YA DOOO. just what is going on in my life. everything moves so quickly yet i move so slowly. the earth keeps turning yet i dont. and OMG A MOTH JUST LANDED ON MY FOOT. it was so frightening. this is why i hate summer. that and its too hot. i hate arguing. the canadian loves to argue and i hate it so much. it makes me sad. i wish i could say things that make sense but apparently i cant.
:: 2:21 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Friday, July 04, 2003 ::

oh wow blogger has changed.
which is less slutty than the average of 46%. its always good to know isnt it....apparently 580 women agreed with me, and chose "Eddie Izzard" as the "best sex option of all time". ha ha ha.


:: 12:22 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Thursday, May 22, 2003 ::
and i wanted to be like all the pretty people that were all around me

yknow that bit in the Bell Jar where ester is saying about how she just knew one day that she was going to cry, that she could feel all the tears sloshing about inside her? i feel strangely like that today, not least of all because a man asked me if i had a pen he could borrow and now he's gone and stolen it. i need a life, please.



:: 6:39 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Thursday, May 15, 2003 ::
you said i tasted famous so i drew you a heart but now i'm not an artist i'm a fucking work of art
:: 2:42 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Tuesday, May 13, 2003 ::









:: 7:27 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Sunday, May 11, 2003 ::

i can't believe life's so complex when i just wanna sit here and watch you undress...
i went to new york, and that was the view from the hotel room window. i went to new york and i met eddie izzard, on a street behind times square. im in love. with NY not eddie, who was wearing bad clothes and wasnt as nice as the idea in your head that you get when you like someone like an actor or singer. i went to new york and it all seems like a million years ago now. ive spent the last week sleeping off jet-lag (although its probably just me being lazy...) looking through photos and reading the thousands of books i bought there. i find it impossible to focus my mind on my work and i walk through london resenting it not being new york. or arguing with tramps, obviously....



:: 12:21 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Thursday, April 17, 2003 ::
this type of modern life is it for me?

ive been sitting here virtually all evening waiting for the madonna american life video to download. i say all evening - from midnite - but it is like half four now and all i can do is sit here listening to madonna over and over because ive obviously turned into christopher and worship her now with my whole body. soon enough ill have an M shaped hairline as well. tomorrow i go back to london and begin the pre-NY weekend fun of drinking, listening to madonnna and annoying my flatmates (hey mickey youre so fine...). gotta be done yknow. today was too hot and this evening i went for a drink with my wife, who i see surprisingly little of considering we are married and all. i came out of the pub and could litterally SMELL summer and burton and the past. i still can. its really strange. its like emotional humidity or something.



:: 3:27 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Wednesday, April 16, 2003 ::
this picture (edited niftily my me on a free version of paint shop pro - woo!) makes me so happy i could cry. i am going to new york in less than one week and madonna is going to be there too, along with eddie izzard, and me. it was sunny today. me and jamie walked to tesco so i could buy cds so i can make compilations for my flite. compilations which i never end up listening to but its part of the preparation and excitement isnt it. its very late now and all there is on tv to watch is a deaf programme, and my laptop is overheating.



:: 1:05 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Tuesday, April 15, 2003 ::


moscow girls make me sing and shout

that photo is me and christopher on the back of a bike in london a while ago.its probably the only drunk photo of me i actually like. hmmm - i post a lot (maybe). we are going to new york in one whole week and its too exciting all over again. we have tickets to see A Day in the Death of Joe Egg on broadway, which happens to star Eddie Izzard - ME LIKEY!! i actually cant think about it otherwise i get all jittery and anxious and i want to be there right now



:: 1:53 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Wednesday, April 02, 2003 ::
"Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar."

"-- Julius Caesar



:: 10:05 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Tuesday, April 01, 2003 ::


i took that photo of MisterM so i did. london astoria, march 10th 03




:: 1:37 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Saturday, March 22, 2003 ::
TEST THE NATION the national relationship test
"YOU SCORED 162
Lucky in Love - You have a healthy and balanced approach to realtionships. Like most people, you are generally good at having romantic relationships with other people. We sometimes know what we should do in a situation but we don't always act accordingly. so the way we think about ourselves may not always be reflected in the way we behave. Hopefully, this isn't the case with you."

bollox





:: 9:53 PM [+] :: (0) comments
...
i'm not going to watch the news anymore until it starts to tell me better things. there is war in the world. all night it's been showing all the bombs and explosions and destruction, and its almost as if we're supposed to be impressed, as if its meant to make us feel better that this war that noone wanted is going ahead so well.

i took that on wednesday, where i joined many people protesting outside parliament (and many more policemen 'controlling' them). it sort of felt like history in the making, that what was happening was going to be remembered and whatever happens from now on will be influenced by this specific period of time.




:: 12:59 AM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Thursday, March 13, 2003 ::

that would be placebo who i saw on monday nite @ the astoria, and it was rather exciting! which is good cos all ive done since then is sleep. i havent been to any lectures or seminars or anything this week. im going through a lazy stage where getting up before 5pm is impossible. quite inconvenient really since the world tends to happen earlier in the day than that....



:: 9:09 PM [+] :: (0) comments
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:: Saturday, March 08, 2003 ::
some vain poof told me to post all these photos of himself..... and david ryder prangley (the oldest man in the world!)
:: 1:12 AM [+] :: (0) comments
...

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